The Ultimate Self-Care Routine for Recovering People Pleasers: A Guide to Finally Putting Yourself First in 2024

Look, I get it. Every time someone suggests "just take a bubble bath!" or "treat yourself to a massage!" as self-care, I want to roll my eyes into next week. Because when you're a recovering people pleaser like me, traditional self-care advice just doesn't cut it. Our problems run deeper than a lavender-scented candle can fix (though I'll admit, I do love my candles).

After my divorce, I was forced to confront just how little I knew about taking care of myself. Years of putting my ex-husband's needs first, managing everyone else's emotions, and disconnecting from my own wants had left me completely burned out. What followed was a journey of discovering what real self-care looks like for those of us who were taught that our needs didn't matter.

So grab your coffee (or tea, if that's more your speed), and let's talk about how to actually take care of yourself when your default setting is taking care of everyone else.

Understanding Why Self-Care Is Extra Challenging for People Pleasers

Let me paint you a picture: It's Saturday morning, and you've promised yourself you'll finally start that morning routine everyone talks about. But then your phone buzzes - a friend needs help moving, your mom wants to know why you haven't called, and your coworker is asking if you can cover their shift. Your kids are fighting over the last Pop-Tart, one needs to be at a playdate in an hour, and the other wants you to play with them. Before you know it, you're saying yes to everything while that self-care plan flies out the window. Sound familiar?

Here's the thing about us people pleasers - we're not just being "nice." Our inability to prioritize self-care often stems from deep-rooted childhood experiences. In my case, growing up in a household where I wasn't allowed to cry or express negative emotions taught me that my feelings didn't matter. When you're raised to believe that your needs are secondary (or worse, selfish), taking care of yourself feels like a radical act of rebellion.

The cost of this conditioning is steep. I learned this lesson the hard way. I remember thinking, "Oh, my back's a little sore, I'll just do some stretches and push through." Big mistake. HUGE. One moment I was on the floor doing what I thought were helpful stretches, and the next? I literally couldn't move. The pain in my back and lower body was so intense, I ended up spending two weeks completely bedridden. Two months of my life were dedicated to the humbling experience of relearning how to walk. Even now, one wrong move can send me straight back to the floor. That's what happens when you ignore your body's signals for too long - it eventually forces you to listen in ways you can't ignore.

The barriers to self-care for people pleasers are unique. We're not just fighting external demands; we're battling an internal voice that sounds suspiciously like our critical parent or caregiver. That voice tells us we're selfish for wanting alone time, lazy for needing rest, or ungrateful for setting boundaries. It's like having a tiny dictator in your head, constantly policing your attempts at self-care.

But here's what took me years to learn: that voice is lying. It's an echo of past conditioning, not a reflection of reality. Understanding this is the first step toward breaking free from the people-pleasing prison.

Understanding these deep roots of our people-pleasing is crucial, but awareness alone isn't enough. Let's turn that understanding into action, starting with the most important part of our day: those precious morning hours.

Essential Morning Rituals That Put You First (For Once)

Let's talk about mornings - and no, I don't mean those Instagram-perfect routines with green juice and sunrise yoga. You know what's funny? I used to tiptoe through my own bedroom at 5:30 AM like a cat burglar, phone lighting my way as I searched for clothes in the dark, terrified of making even the smallest noise that might wake my then-husband. The squeak of a drawer, the rustle of clothes - my heart would pound with anxiety over every tiny sound.

But here's the beautiful thing about divorce (and I'm not generally advocating for divorce): I can turn on ALL the lights now! Want to know what real freedom feels like? It's making a smoothie at 6 AM without worrying about the blender noise. It's doing morning stretches with the bedroom lights blazing. It's existing in your own space without apologizing for it.

I remember the first time I tried to establish a morning routine post-divorce. I actually stood in my bedroom, hand hovering over the light switch, and realized: "Wait... I can just... turn this on?" Talk about a lightbulb moment (pun absolutely intended)! Of course, my phone was still buzzing with those lovely dawn Slack notifications from work, but hey - one battle at a time, right?

Here's what I've learned actually works for recovering people pleasers in the morning. And yes, this works even with kids. While they add an extra layer of morning complexity, having a solid routine actually helps them too. They learn that mom's morning routine isn't negotiable - just like their bedtime isn't - and often end up developing their own healthy morning habits.

1. Own Your Space: Start by simply existing in your own home without apology. Here's how:
   • Turn on the lights you need (revolutionary, I know!)
   • Allow yourself to make normal morning sounds
   • Set your phone to "Do Not Disturb" until your morning routine is complete
2. Create a Morning Buffer Zone:
   • Set your alarm 30 minutes before you need to get ready
   • No emails or Slack until after your first cup of coffee
   • Keep your phone in another room if possible (I know, scary, but worth it)
3. Morning Check-In Ritual (takes 5 minutes):
   • How's your energy level? (Be honest!)
   • What's one small thing you can do for yourself today?
   • What boundaries might you need to set?

While creating these morning rituals is a powerful first step, we soon discover that protecting our time and energy requires something even more challenging: boundaries. And let me tell you, this is where things get real.

Setting and Maintaining Boundaries Without the Guilt Spiral

Ah, boundaries - that word that makes every recovering people pleaser break out in a cold sweat. Would you believe me if I told you that I once stayed at the office until 11 PM, finalizing a financing document with a lawyer, just so my boss could make it to his precious hockey game? And the kicker? When I got to the office 30 minutes late the next morning, I heard all about how important it was for me to be at my desk on time.

Or how about spending years having to justify every social plan to my then-husband? "Drinks after work with the girls? But when are you going to make me dinner?" The mental gymnastics I used to do, trying to convince myself that it was normal to need permission to have a social life (failing most of the time).

Here's what I wish someone had told me years ago: "No" is a complete sentence. You don't need to offer a 15-point presentation about why you can't stay late at work yet again. You don't need to justify wanting to maintain friendships and have a life outside of your relationship. This was a game-changer for me, especially after my divorce when I was finally learning to trust my own judgment.

Let me share some real-talk scripts that have saved my sanity:

• "I have plans this evening that I can't reschedule" (No need to explain that those plans are with yourself)
• "This will have to wait until tomorrow" (Notice there's no "sorry" in there!)
• "I'm not available outside of office hours" (Yes, YOUR time matters!")

Here's a step-by-step approach to building your boundary-setting muscles:

1. Start With Low-Stakes Practice:
   • Choose one small boundary to set each week
   • Practice your scripts in the mirror (yes, really!)
   • Start with people who feel safer to say "no" to
   • Celebrate every tiny win, even if it feels awkward
2. Create Your Boundary Emergency Kit:
   • Keep your scripts handy in your phone's notes
   • Have a "boundary buddy" you can text for support
   • Prepare standard email responses for work requests
   • Plan exit strategies for overwhelming situations
3. Develop Your Early Warning System:
   • Notice when resentment starts creeping in
   • Pay attention to that "ugh" feeling in your gut
   • Watch for signs you're about to auto-pilot into "yes"
   • Recognize your people-pleasing triggers
4. Build Your Response Toolkit:
   • "Let me check my calendar and get back to you"
   • "That doesn't work for me, but here's what does..."
   • "I need to honor my existing commitments"
   • "I've reached my capacity for this week"

The pushback is real, especially at work and from my then-husband. When I first started setting boundaries, my boss acted like I'd personally betrayed the entire company by not being available 24/7. And my ex-husband? Let's just say he didn't take kindly to me suddenly having opinions and needs of my own. The guilt was overwhelming.

And let's talk about that voice in our heads - you know the one. "They need me! This is proof I'm valuable! If I say no, they won't like me anymore. What if I lose my job? What if they never ask me for help again?" I spent years letting that voice run the show, confusing being needed with being loved. That little dopamine hit when your boss says "I don't know what we'd do without you!" or when your partner praises you for always putting them first - it can be more addictive than chocolate. Trust me, I get it.

But here's what eventually worked: consistency and self-compassion. Every time that inner voice started its "but they neeeed you" chorus, I had to gently remind myself that true relationships - whether professional or personal - don't require me to disappear myself. Real love and respect don't demand constant people-pleasing performances. It took time (and honestly, quite a bit of therapy), but I learned that the world doesn't end when you say no - even if that anxious part of your brain is convinced it will.

Now that we're getting better at saying "no" (or at least practicing it), it's time to address something many of us people pleasers have completely lost touch with: our physical selves. Because let's face it - you can't maintain boundaries if you're completely disconnected from your own body's signals.

Physical Self-Care Practices That Address People-Pleaser Burnout

Remember that back injury I mentioned? Yeah, that was my body's way of saying "ENOUGH!!!" in all caps with multiple exclamation points. Funny how the body keeps the score of every late night at the office, every canceled gym session because "this client needs it yesterday," and every skipped lunch break to handle someone else's emergency.

The tricky part about physical self-care for people pleasers is that we often dissociate from our bodies' signals. When your boss asks "Can you just handle this one more thing?" or your partner makes you feel guilty for wanting to go to a yoga class instead of handling their needs, you learn to push through. Until you can't. So let's break this down into manageable steps. Start with these basic practices - they might seem simple, but for us people pleasers, they're revolutionary:

1. Basic Needs Non-Negotiables:
   • Set alarms for regular bathroom breaks (sounds silly, works wonders)
   • Block your calendar for lunch - yes, actually block it
   • Keep snacks and water at your desk - your body needs fuel
   • Get up and stretch every hour, even if your boss gives you the side-eye
2. Body Signals Awareness Practice:
   • Do a quick body scan every 2 hours
   • Rate your tension levels (1-10) in different body parts
   • Keep a "body signals" log for a week to spot patterns
   • Notice when you're holding your breath (we people pleasers do this a lot!)
3. Movement That Feels Good:
   • Find exercise that doesn't feel like punishment
   • Start with 10-minute movement breaks
   • Schedule workouts like important meetings (because they are!)
   • Give yourself permission to modify or stop if something hurts

As we reconnect with our physical selves, something interesting starts happening: all those emotions we've been stuffing down begin surfacing. And while that might sound terrifying (trust me, I know), this is actually where the real healing begins.

Emotional Self-Care: Healing Your People-Pleasing Patterns

Let's dive into the deep end here - the emotional stuff that makes people-pleasing so sticky. You know what's funny? I spent so many years thinking I was "managing my emotions well" because I never showed them at work or at home. "She's so calm under pressure," they'd say. "Nothing ever gets to her." Meanwhile, I was so disconnected from my feelings that I couldn't even tell when I was hungry or tired.

First, we need to get back in touch with those emotions we've been stuffing down. Here's what actually helps:

1. The Body Check-In: Set three alarms on your phone throughout the day. When they go off, take 30 seconds to scan your body. Tight shoulders? Clenched jaw? Churning stomach? These physical sensations are often emotional messages we've been ignoring.

   I started doing this after my dentist pointed out I'd need to stop grinding my teeth at night, the biting surfaces were getting smooth … turns out I wasn't grinding my teeth at night, I had been clenching my jaw during the workday.

2. The Feelings Journal (bear with me here): Keep a small notebook or use your phone's notes app. When you notice any physical discomfort or emotional reaction, jot down:
   • What happened
   • How your body felt
   • What you wanted to do
   • What you actually did
   • No judgment, just observation. This helps you start recognizing patterns. I discovered I always got a tight chest right before agreeing to take on extra work - that was my body's "no" signal that I'd been ignoring.
3. The Permission Pause: Before responding to any request, take three deep breaths. During those breaths, ask yourself: "If I knew no one would be mad at me, what would I say?" This tiny pause has saved me from countless overcommitments.
4. Reality Testing: When that anxious voice starts screaming about terrible consequences ("My boss will fire me if I don't stay late!" "My friends will hate me if I cancel!"), write down the thought and then write down evidence for and against it. I've been doing this for months, and guess what? None of those catastrophic predictions have ever come true.
5. The Emotions Time-Out: Schedule 10 minutes daily (I do it in my car before walking into the house) to feel whatever you need to feel. Cry, scream into a pillow, do angry dance moves - whatever works. Think of it as emptying your emotional trash can instead of letting it overflow.

Remember, this isn't about becoming an emotions expert overnight. It's about learning to tune back into yourself after years of tuning out. Start with one of these practices - I started with the body check-in alarms because it felt least overwhelming. You can't heal what you can't feel, and trust me, feeling is way better than that numb autopilot mode we've been living in.

With all this emotional awareness and physical reconnection happening, we need a way to process and integrate it all. This is where a solid evening routine becomes not just nice to have, but essential for survival.

Creating a Sustainable Evening Wind-Down Routine

After a day of managing everyone else's emergencies (spoiler alert: they're rarely actual emergencies), evenings can feel like a minefield. For years, my evening routine consisted of answering "urgent" work emails until bedtime while my ex complained about not getting enough attention. The irony of being accused of neglect while literally working myself into the ground wasn't lost on me.

Here's what a realistic evening sanctuary looks like:

1. The Power-Down Protocol:
   • Set a firm work cutoff time (mine is 6 PM)
   • Create a "transition ritual" (I change clothes and turn on some fun music)
   • Put your phone on "Do Not Disturb"
   • No checking work emails "just in case"
2. Evening Check-In Practice:
   • Physical needs: Hunger? Tension? Fatigue?
   • Emotional needs: What feelings am I carrying from today?
   • Social needs: Do I want company or solitude?
   • Practical needs: What do I actually need to do versus what can wait?
3. Choose Your Evening Based on YOUR Needs:
   • Sometimes it's meeting friends for dinner
   • Sometimes it's watching trashy TV in blessed silence
   • Sometimes it's early to bed with a book
   • The key? No justification needed for your choice
4. Prep for Tomorrow (but not in a people-pleasing way):
   • Lay out clothes if that helps reduce morning anxiety
   • Quick tidy of your space (5 minutes max)
   • Set up your morning sanctuary (coffee maker ready, favorite mug out)
   • Write down any worried thoughts about tomorrow - they'll be there when you need them

And if you have kids? This routine needs some tweaking, but it's not impossible. My evening sanctuary might start after their bedtime, or it might involve teaching my kids about healthy boundaries by modeling them: "Mom needs 15 minutes to decompress after work, then I'm all yours." Sometimes my evening ritual includes my kids - they actually love the whole comfy-clothes-and-music routine now, and they remind me when it's time to power down. Other times, it means trading evening coverage with another parent or finding creative ways to carve out that alone time. The key is flexibility without completely sacrificing your needs.

Conclusion

With all these tools and practices in our self-care toolkit - from morning light switches to evening boundaries - you might be feeling a bit overwhelmed. I know I was when I first started this journey. I remember sitting in my car one evening, clutching a list of "self-care strategies" from my therapist, feeling completely overwhelmed by all the changes I needed to make.

Listen, I know this self-care journey isn't easy. There will be days when you fall back into old patterns - I still have moments where I find myself saying yes when I want to say no, or putting everyone else's needs first. But here's the thing: recovery isn't about perfection. It's about progress.

Start small. Maybe today it's just taking five deep breaths before responding to someone's request. Maybe it's letting the phone ring without answering it immediately. Maybe it's just admitting to yourself that you're tired of being everyone's emotional support person.

Remember, putting yourself first isn't selfish - it's necessary. You can't pour from an empty cup, and trust me, yours has probably been running on fumes for way too long.

Here's your permission slip (not that you need it, but sometimes it helps to have it): You are allowed to take care of yourself. You are allowed to have needs. You are allowed to say no. And most importantly, you are allowed to be a work in progress.

Ready to start? Pick one small thing from this guide - just one - and try it tomorrow. Your future self will thank you. And if you need someone to remind you that your needs matter, just reread this. I'll be here, cheering you on.